How to Offend a Snowflake 101
In a world where being offended is the new social norm and being ‘triggered’ is an acceptable thing to claim….we present……how to offend a snowflake. Because why? Because we don’t care.
- Assume their gender – God forbid you assume they’re male/female/other
- Assume their sexuality. Actually, this one I get. I never assume because first off, I can’t keep up with the labels or terms, and second, this is actually offensive. Having said that, why are some people sexually attracted to pans?
- Speaking of which, assume a deity. God/Allah/Jehovah/Flying Spaghetti Monster. Or you could just argue about your very own imaginary friends, they have the same level of proof
- Offer a burger – you eat things with faces? If you’re a true vegan, that means you eat foods that do not have any creatures involved whatsoever. Sorry vegan millennials, without bees, your smashed avo on organic health bread wouldn’t exist. Millennial mind = blown
- Smoke a cigarette. Don’t you know butts take a gazillion years to decompose? Vaping is the responsible way man. Because lithium ion batteries last forever. Fucking literally.
- Laugh at gluten intolerance. You don’t suffer from celiac disease. You’re just a trend following sensitive little sheep who farts. Like other human beings.
- Tell them they’re not OCD just because they like things straight. It is human nature to search for patterns and abhor disruption of patterns. True OCD is debilitating and life threatening. Fixing someones painting just because it’s skew doesn’t make you OCD. Claiming you have OCD when you don’t makes you a pratt. All your friends think so too.
- Laugh at their pro Trump / anti Trump statements. And when you get the angry offended face, ask for realistic statements and reasoning to debate as to why they feel what they feel, and watch for the open mouth with no sound. Or just a repetition of what they read on News24 with no real facts
- Get dressed in another cultures traditional wear. Oh my gawd how dare you culturally misappropriate? Or maybe why not try and learn about another culture… Walk a mile in someone’s shoes ring a bell?
- Have someone of a different race than theirs star / not star / appear / not appear / have anything to do with or not to do with a movie or production. I can’t keep up
- Discuss sexual assault or inappropriacy at all in any way shape or form if you are male/ female / too young / too old / too white / too non white because you don’t know. How dare you make light if you don’t know. You don’t know. Excuse me?
- Feminism. Fucking feminism. Can we not just teach equality?
- Manspread yourself. Go on. You know you want to. The vegan hippy with the hemp shirt and dreadlocks is dying for you to manspread the hell out of yourself. Irrelevant of your or their gender (assumed or otherwise). The twitter thumbs are twitching and ready to hashtag you in the face
- Fight for sexual rights. You know the snowflake has no idea what true sexual rights are
- Wish a snowflake a merry christmas (small c) or happy easter etc. You’re assuming faith and being exclusionary as opposed to just being a nice person
- If you at any point disagree with a liberal or fanatical SJW (social justice warrior) you’re instantly labeled as a neo-nazi.
- Call anything as it is. You have to use such careful language in casual conversation. Be it any topic, certain words are marginalising / offensive / hate speech / again, I can’t keep up
Have any other ways to offend a snowflake?
Comment below, or start a flame war, or don’t.
Written by Foul-Mouthed Fraser