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Tea & Tight Screws

Written by on Aug 11, 2020

This week’s class highlighted the finer nuances of studying from home! So, here’s the deal, I am that nerd that pulls up YouTube links for everything that she studies. In hindsight, the embalming process and the tools used in said process is not a sight you would want to see while you are eating your oats and drinking tea.

Scoot closer, deathlings and let me tell you all about the morbidly fascinating tools that will one day be used to keep those pretty little faces of yours freshly preserved…WELL… at least for a while. We will all end up looking like something from a Michael Jackson Thriller music video at one stage or another, I personally just hope that the dance moves come with death because I cannot dance for shit unless I am liquored up first, children cry and the town priest gets called to perform an exorcism if I attempt that sober, trust me.

One of the first things that will happen once your friendly neighbourhood embalmer has you on their slab is a little something called “Setting of the features”. What this process entails is basically us trying to make you look like you are having a peaceful nap, you know… like God during the entire Holocaust. To make sure you do not play an unexpected game of peek-a-boo and scare the bejesus out of an unsuspecting mourner during the viewing. The embalmer would insert eye caps under the eyelids while they prep your body for the process. The eye cap is essentially a spiky contact lens that goes over your eye and the spikes hook into your eyelids. If you are adamant at being a peeping Tom, the embalmer might use a special glue to keep you in the dark. I am unapologetic in my puns, just roll with it.

Next up is the Mouth Former and for the fetishists among you, NO not that kind! * Disclaimer, I will never kink shame anyone, unless their fetish is to be humiliated. In which case shame on you, you dirty little pervert. The mouth former goes over your teeth and hooks over your mouth to stop you from giving your loved ones your best post-mortem joker impersonation.

To make you appear less pale and you know… dead, the embalmer would add a formaldehyde-based fluid to your body through the trocar.  If you are sensitive to needles, I would strongly suggest that you go look at some cute cat videos instead.

Right! Now that the needlephobes pulled an Elvis and left the building. A trocar is basically a massive needle that is attached to a suction tube that is inserted slightly above your belly button to begin draining cavity fluid. This leads to the next part of the story which brings us to things that stop leaks. Allow me to introduce the A/V plug, you may recall that I mentioned earlier that I pull up YouTube links about the subject matter that I am studying, yeah that was a notoriously shitty idea in this case!! The A/V plug stands for anal/vaginal plug and is used to prevent any post-mortem leakage. Now when I pulled up this video two things happened: I choked on my tea and in the process of choking I knocked over my cup in absolute horror that should I die, the video will still be paused on my screen and the person who would find me will be mortified and scarred for life that I apparently had some peculiar interests in the toy department.

As I was sitting on the floor, tea dripping everywhere and our friend the A/V plug still twirling on the laptop screen, a fit of laughter erupted from my stomach and tears were streaming down my face in amusement as I realized that somewhere out there an uptight homophobe might be in for a tight screw one day if they are buried with one of these and that is the serendipities of life.

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